Q&A: Talking with Teens About Suicide

What would you do if your teenager told you she tried to kill herself but got scared when she started feeling lightheaded?

It’s probably a talk few parents are eager to have, but Stephanie Weber, executive director of Suicide Prevention Services in Batavia, stresses that watching teens’ mental health should be as important as watching their physical health. Statistically speaking, teens aged 15 to 19 had the highest rate of suicide attempts that required hospitalization in Illinois in 2006, according to the Suicide Prevention Resource Center.

“Just like when we talk to our kids about sex, or drinking and driving, you also want to check in on depression,” Weber said. “Suicide is the second leading killer in this age group.”

This spring, Yorkville High School administrators reached out to friends of a junior who – according to The Beacon-News - hanged himself in his father’s home. High School administrators also opened the building for students and community members who wanted a place to gather and talk.

District 115 Superintendent Scott Wakeley said it was just one of two student suicides he’s experienced in his career, but school staff deal more regularly with students’ suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.

“Particularly at the secondary level, from the middle school to high school, I think that number grows every year,” Wakeley said. “I think the number of kids who are in emotional distress, the kids who are clinically depressed, I think that’s going up.”

After the suicide this spring, administrators tried to help students process their grief and other feelings while fostering an attitude that teens should seek help for depression and other problems rather than attempting suicide, Wakeley said.

More than six months have passed since then, but parents shouldn’t fear discussing suicide or depression, Weber said. Weber recently talked with Patch editor Jillian Duchnowski about how parents can approach those difficult conversations and what programs Suicide Prevention Services offers.

What is it important for parents to remember when they talk with their teenagers about suicide, especially if a classmate had committed suicide recently?

People die by suicide just like they die by cancer, heart attacks, auto accidents. So, if there, for example, has been a suicide in the school, or of a friend, you want to be able to say, “I’m sure you’re feeling bad about this. You may express yourself in your writings, but we need to talk as a parent or as a family. How is this affecting you? Do you have thoughts of suicide right now? If you do, that’s normal, but we have to be able to talk about that before it goes into any kind of planning.”

I think part of the problem, too, is with kids: What is normal teenaged angst? And what is depression? For example, Suicide Prevention Services in Batavia, you can make an appointment for a free depression screening and one hour of counseling. You can bring your child. Not drop them off, but come in with them, sit with them, let them meet with a depression screener and a counselor, perhaps go away assured that everything’s fine, but that you have a resource for the future.

Do parents also need to discuss social stigmas or religious stigmas that may be attached to suicide?

It used to be that the Catholic Church forbid suicide. That is no longer true, and it isn’t true because they realized that to be able to talk about it gets it out there in the open. So churches are having people come in and talk about it.

It needs to be a normal part of conversation. Just like when we talk to our kids about sex, or drinking and driving, you also want to check in on depression. Suicide is the second leading killer in this age group. You’re taking them to the dentist, you’re taking them for physicals, so let’s make sure that their emotional and mental health is good as well.

And I think, too, as long as people know they have resources: Where do you go when you’re feeling like this? Who do you talk to? Sometimes just sitting and talking to an adult can be enough. They’re scary feelings when it comes to depression.

I’ve read a little bit about a belief that people tend to attempt suicide once or twice unsuccessfully before they are successful. Is that a reality?

We call that rehearsal, especially in teens. We do know that the No. 1 warning sign is multiple attempts or even a single prior attempt. Often times they learn why they didn’t die if they are truly setting out to die, so then they make sure it happens the next time.

Does that lead you to have any special advice for parents whose kid comes to them and says: “I tried to kill myself last night?”

It does, because a lot of parents think that they just want attention. Well, that’s right, so we have to give them that attention or the next time they could do something that could be even accidentally lethal.

It’s frightening to a parent, and I think that sometimes we turn that fear into anger, but they have to be able to step back from that and say, “OK, something’s going in my 15-year-old’s mind or in my 16-year-old’s mind. To me as an adult, it may seem silly or irrelevant, but they’re learning and they’re growing, so whatever it is, it’s pretty serious to them.”

So yes, for sure, you don’t want to get angry at your teen who has the courage to come and say they’ve attempted. You really need to listen and say, “Well, maybe we need to go and talk to someone. Not a hospital and not an emergency room. Maybe we’ll find a counselor, but for today, just talk to me. What’s so terrible in your life that you want to end it?” Suicide is really ending the pain. Now the fact that they die, as strange as that may seem, is just a by-product. They want to end the pain.

What services does Suicide Prevention Services offer?

We are one of seven in the country that offers everything under one roof. We have prevention, which would be like your depression screenings, your counseling. We have our 24-7 hotline; we’re also part of a national hotline, so phones are always answered.

The postvention would be survivors support groups, after someone has died. But also have an attempt survivors support group, so if you have attempted and you survive, we have a place for you to come and talk and be part of a group. It’s a very small group, and we meet the first and third Wednesday nights of every month, but we do a lot of education and training in the schools and agencies and to parent groups and to churches.

We’ve been getting a lot of calls in the past years from churches, saying, “Will you come talk to our youth groups?” So we will go anywhere and do any kind of training just to educate.

Did you guys recently expand into Sandwich for something?

Yes. Our survivors support group that meets the third Monday of every month in Aurora is 32 years old this month. We just had our first meeting down in Sandwich, that will be the first Monday of every month from 7 to 9, and it’s at the Salem Lutheran Church, 1022 N. Main St., Sandwich. Those are for people who have lost someone to suicide.

Can you talk about what happens in the attempt survivors support group? Like, if someone were to come, what the format would be like?

We do a little opening reading saying, “This is a comfortable place and what we share here stays here.” We briefly go around and say who we are, maybe when our last attempt was, and then we really sit and talk and share.

There are issues that come up, whether you need an advocate, for example. I can remember a meeting where someone was saying, “You need someone to advocate for you, and I will be that person.” A lot of it, too, has to do with how family members react. I think it’s very strange that if we lose someone to suicide, we grieve and cry (appropriately so), but if we have a loved one that attempts and lives, we tend to get angry. And we turn our back on them, and we treat them like something’s wrong with them.

In other words, they may be getting help but again people aren’t educated to know this happens. We still need to treat people like normal people. Sometimes a lot of focus is on how our families react to us.

Resources:
Suicide Prevention Services: http://www.spsamerica.org
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
National Crisis Helpline: 1-800-784-2433
Mental Health America of Illinois Youth Corner: http://www.mhai.org/?page_id=52

Editor's note: The artwork accompanying this article is titled Ghostwriter (Suicide Note). It was created by Joleen Grussing and at the Carriage Barn Arts Center at Waveny Park in New Canaan, CT.