Worst Nightmare Actualized.

I'm angry. Throwing a punch may help. Maybe if I scream.. My heart is bubbling in my chest.. It has been since Wednesday. I'm trying for peaceful thoughts. 

I remember talking to the Coroner of Kendall County a few years back. One suicide every month. Those were the numbers he gave to me. He said it but it didn't register. It didn't sink in. 

It sinks in and threatens my core now. I recognize that I am angry because.. I. Am. Terrified. 

An eleven year old Yorkville boy took his life on January 28th. 

I was in a meeting in a conference room when I read the news my phone. Tears threatened, I shifted my focus to outside. Birds were lined up on a nearby fence. Their beaks buried in their feathers. I focused on them- wondering if they were cold. I kept my emotions at bay.

The hurt in my heart felt like heartburn. An ache. It was real. What was he thinking? How sad he must have been. 
I became almost angry. Surely someone must have known? Why didn't someone stop him? How did the system let him down? Why was he so sad?

I realized that my anger was spurred by my fear. My greatest fear. Losing my own seven year old son before his time. 

I felt almost.. responsible. Here I am, an advocate of suicide prevention.. vocal and active in Yorkville. What more can I do? How did I miss this child? What can I do differently? I take this all very much to heart. 

I finished the rest of my work day from home. Alone in my thoughts. Glancing at the clock- waiting anxiously for 4pm when Ryan gets off his bus and arrives home. I just needed to hold him for a minute. Smell his hair. The scent of him immediately calms me. 

After he got home and settled in, we sat on the couch. I finally let the tears fall as I told him the story. 

"There was a boy. He went to Autumn Creek. You remember going to Autumn Creek, right?" He nods. "The boy was very very sad. And decided he wanted to go to heaven. He took him mom's gun and hurt himself. And he died. His mom is very very sad." Ryan is looking at me wide-eyed, but taking it all in. "I am so sad to hear about this because I would be so sad if I lost you. I need you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Always. And I will always be here with you to sit with you. And if you are ever sad, I will stay right by your side. Do you understand?" He nods. 

I heave a sigh and wipe the tears with the back of my hand. How do you explain this to a seven year old? Did I say enough? Does he understand?

We sit Indian style on the couch- arm against arm- and play his favorite video game. We are a team against the game's villain. He's content. I'm feeling a tiny bit better. 

My thoughts drift to the boy's teacher. How hard that must have been to stare at the empty chair all day and hold back tears. To put on a brave face. I want to send her a gift. 

My feelings are softened by being humbled by the pain his mother must feel. I wonder about her heart. I pray that she can simply breathe from one moment to the next right now. 

In this equation, I am just one of the many parents who have varied emotions right now. Are our children protected at school? Are we teaching coping mechanisms? Are they talking about feelings and what to do if you feel suicidal?

In the past 6 years, we've lost 46 people to suicide in Kendall County. Most had a previous attempt. Six of which where kids. That's one child a year. If we do nothing, do we risk losing another in the next 363 days?? 

I truly hope that we can now focus on prevention programs for our community. To protect our kids in school and at home. I hope to turn my fear/anger into action to battle this.. Raising awareness for prevention. Stay tuned.