...."take a lesson kiddies....."
These horrific words flash in and out of my head. "If you decide you cant handle it anymore just 'off' yourself " My heart races, my spine tingles. Pure and extreme rage runs through me. I text my girlfriend and let loose. She tells me, " Use your words, People will listen" I give myself time to cool down.
I have a flash back from just a few days before January 11, 2013....
It's late, bedtime has passed. My older kids are in bed, I hear footsteps on the stairs. " Mom, can I sleep down here, I cant keep my eyes closed too long upstiars" To the average parent this is a childs way of getting out of going to bed, but for me my heart starts to sink. Logan's anxiety is raising. "of course precious, is there a reason why your eyes don't want to stay shut?" Logan simply climbs on my lap and says " because I will miss you too much and need to see you when they open" My heart breaks.
Laying on the love seat, Logan peeks over at me now and then to ' just check.' Out of what I thinik is the blue he says " Momma, sorry I'm annoying" Where is he coming up with this??? I look at him so shocked, "Why are you annoying honey?" "cause I keep making this noise..." At this point I have not a single clue what he's talking about. I'm so used to random noises, between him and Bill constantly ticing, I really am at a loss for words. "But Mom, I keep making this noise and I can't stop." "Logan, all that is baby is a new tic. If your brain tells you to do it, then do it. Remember if you make yourself stop, it will be harder later and you will tic a lot more." " So i can do it???" ABSOLUTELY!!!!! Whatever your brain wants to do is just PERFECT with me! At this time I now know the next few weeks are going to be a challenge. The ups and downs of Tourette's, along with the OCD, ADHD and high anxiety levels are difficult, especially being 5. Hard for his father and I to have to explain in terms he will understand what is happening to him. By all means not something we "can't handle" Or according to Senior Taco, a reason to "just off yourself"
I worry so much about what will happen to my son in the future. I pray he is as strong as he is now. I pray he will embrace his T.S. as he does now. I pray and PRAY that he has the passion in his heart as he does now to educate others of why he does what he does, he is not 'different or weird' he makes sounds and has other tics he does. He is a fantasic baseball player with a heart bigger than most adults and a passion for animals. There will come a day he will face a bully, where he will feel like he can't take it anymore. He will then come home to a family who loves him endlessly. But on that walk home, or bus ride across town will he meet a man like Senior Taco? This is now my number one fear.
I am reading an artice about the man who commited suicide at the court house, my first thought is, God if only I knew him. No judgement would be made.I know I can help him. I also thought ' I hate that he left the world feeling alone' Suicide happens, not because that person is selfish, it just does. We as a society need to be educated on the subject and not shun the person for feeling the way they do. They just feel that way, they need help, not to see your back as you continue to walk. Their thoughts are not wrong, just need understanding of why. It is not illegal. You're taken away to get medical help. In a hospital, not a jail cell. From there all the 'negatives' one feels, turn to a positive way to react. If Mark Wells knew at all what he was talking about, a felon would go right to jail. He can't pass go, he cannot collect $200. The case is he has no clue what he is talking about. LUCKY for the rest of us there are the most amazing people who can help. Suicude Prevention Services of America is a place you can go or call at 1 800 273 8255. There is someone on the other end of that phone 24 hours a day. 7 days a week, 365 days a year!! There you are not judged, you are guided, and most importantly...LOVED.
As for me, I will continue to pray for those that have crossed over. You are making a positive impact on us, for we learn differnt out crys. I pray for the families impacted by a loss, embrace what they left you, an insight on how to help others. And for all the survivors, be it the attempt, or thoughts, I'm glad you're here!
One last thing, I challenge you to take a look around. The women in her car crying in the parking lot, shes not crazy. She may just need to hear " Are you ok? Do you want to talk? I will listen" The man thats screaming and in a fit of rage may want to hear " I am certain what is happenning is rough, but you are never alone" The elderly lady complaining just may need a hug. Stop turning your back. A blind eye will never lead the way.